October 27, 2008

“Brazilian…” or “Esquimo?”

Our Gracious Correspondent has sent us a handy List of Things You Might Not have Considered in Making your Decision to Vote for Obama. It is posted here as a Feature, dated 27 October 2008. If you haven’t seen it, we suggest that you do so.

But we have since had the following thoughts. Amusing as it is to think of Barrack Obama having a “Brazilian” among his Nethers, our thoughts immediately turn to his worthy adversaries. If we were they, we would have our Operatives investigate who provided it to him, and raise ominous Questions about the true nature of his Relationship to that Person. Is he or she, in fact Brazilian? And is Brazil, in fact, not a godless country not visible from Alaska? We don’t hope to ILLUMINATE the nature of the relationship, mind you, but rather to Cloud it with fear and revulsion.

Speaking of revulsion, how ‘bout that ol’ McCain and HIS Brazilian? How’s your tummy feel now?

We submit that Governor Palin may have a “Brazilian.” We suspect that, small as Whipsaw, Alaska is, there is a cottage Industry in such things. It seems more likely, though, that she has an “ESQUIMO.”

The estimable Esquimo squaw has the job of chewing walrus hide to render it soft and supple, so that it is suitable for making the hardy garments that her Man must have in order to hunt and fish in the desolate, arctic wasteland that is her Home.  It takes a lot of chewing. We have seen a Documentary about this or something. Esquimo women chew and chew the long, harsh and dark winter months away. It has been demonstrated that an Esquimo squaw can bite with over fifteen hundred pounds per square in of biting force. That is, my friends, a very large number.

So what does an “Esquimo,” the style of personal hygiene favored by Ms. Palin, look like? Does it have a “weave” of fuzzy, soft underdown of the hardy Malamute in it, for warmth? Is it smoothed with Walrus-grease, for a glossy Appearance and savory odor?

We’d rather think, though, of the fleshy bits down there with which persons of Ms. Palin’s gender are equipped. And we mean this with all due respect: we do not raise the Question of her gender in the spirit of American anti-feminism, but out of a true interest in the bits she has down there.

But we ask you: Do we really KNOW what bits she has down there? Americans deserve to Know. And are they leathery and tough, like walrus-hide? Do they require chewing, the whole harsh, long winter through, in order to make them soft and supple?

We want to know, and we deserve to know. Will you take her word for it? Would you be willing to serve on an Independent Commission?

(The Image is from Arnold Toynbee: A Study of History. New Edition, Revised and Abridged by the Author and Jan Caplan. New York: Oxford University Press, 1972.)

Filed under: Definitions for a New World Order,Features
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editor @ 2:03 pm

1 Comment »

  1. It is a dog-eat-dog world after all. Just be careful while you’re sniffing around down there, she may have a gun handy, and she doesn’t like wolves much.

    Comment by anne novitsky — November 7, 2008 @ 12:06 pm

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